party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
