i permit you to call me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize