I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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