I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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