My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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