cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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