if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
