My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
