I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
