I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
