Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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