Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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