So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
