We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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