I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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