More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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