Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
