i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
