so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
