So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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