woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
