I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
