I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
