I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize