I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I intend to get homeless drunk
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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