Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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