Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
