There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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