I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
