I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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