Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
