Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
