I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
