just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
