You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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