please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
