Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
