i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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