we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
