took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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