I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
