i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Less talking, more tequila
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
