due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
