I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
