I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
