I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
