We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
