was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize