I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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