8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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