She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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