and she was petting her beer can
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
