dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I think i got beer on your cat.
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