I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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