just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
