Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
